Again, I am going to preface this log some. One, I would like to thank Yumna for the log. This scene took place when I did not have logging capability. Two, when I wrote Nixa's background, I wrote it from two different perspectives. I wrote it from her father's view and her's. Obviously, I kept her view as it would dictate her character... but this scene really put her father's view into play. Yumna picked up on it. So I give her kudos.
Oh, and Nixa did write a letter to Yumna, explaining everything that has happened and what her mindset is. That letter will remain private (though if staff ask, I do have a copy of those letters and I can include that privately).
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*** Yumna finishes the letter written by Nixa ***
Yumna looks up at Nixa as she finishes with the last piece bit of the letter and says softly 'You could have told me sooner Nixa..'
Nixa shakes her head, then goes back to looking down. 'I did not have doubt in myself. I... I did not have doubt in my path before these past couple of days.'.
Yumna sighs and reaches out to pull Nixa into a tight hug.
Nixa returns the hug, clinging on tightly, 'I am so scared, Joy. I... I do not want to be who I am.'.
Yumna keeps her hold on Nixa and says soothingly 'I know who you are Nixa. You are not an 'evil' person.' She pulls back just a little 'Do you think I am evil, or a horrible person?'.
Nixa breaks from the hug, embracing herself, 'Would that not be a laugh?' Her voice warbles, 'I should have been a bard all along. That my father was right. That my father, who I hate so much... that what he saw me as was right all along. That I should be just a flighty little bard.'.
Yuma say to Nixa 'That is not who you are.'
Nixa shakes her head to you, 'Of course not, Joy. You are not black of heart.'.
You ask Nixa 'You remember that day when we found Squishy?'
Nixa nods her head, 'Yes.'.
You say to Nixa 'I would have ended him right there, and had him returned as many times as possible so I could have repeated it.'
Nixa shakes her head, 'But you stopped yourself. You did not let that thought linger and dwell and grow.'.
You say to Nixa 'I have friends to keep me in balance, to keep my mind where it needs to be. To show me what is important.'
You say to Nixa 'You have always, always been there for me. You are one of the strongest people I know.
Nixa frowns, trying so hard to make it a smile, 'I feel like I am the weakest person I know.'.
Yumna frowns a little at Nixa 'I do not know what thoughts your father has placed in your head, but you are no where near what you think he believes you to be.'.
You say to Nixa 'Nixa, since the day I have met you, you have been fighting a constant uphill battle, with very little support, and you have been kicking tails the entire way.'
Nixa exhales, trying to find the strength to smile, 'I built up so much motivation to prove my father wrong... so much so to his detriment for doubting me.' She frowns, 'But when I started looking past all that, I saw others who... who I had no desire to be with, no... promise of anything. It was like I would be numb and empty, simply living with scars and pain.'.
Nixa smiles weakly, 'And Joy, I think it is because of you that I looked past all that. Looked to my future.' She tilts her head, 'That, and then seeing Lord Dirima... tas. Diritas? Lord Diri-something or other.'.
Yumna frowns lightly at Nixa 'You are strong Nixa. And you will move past these things and find the people you were meant to be with. It just takes time..'.
Yumna sighs gently 'Can we talk about you and your father for a moment?'.
Nixa shrugs a little, 'I can not be held responsible for any vitriol I spew.'.
Yumna spreads her hands 'I know you and I came from very different upbringings. Both of my parents were very involved in my life, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they love me. They showed me every day with their actions, they showed me the same way their parents showe' d them.
Yumna tilts her head at Nixa 'You... you still cling very strongly to the way you were raised. Your values, mannerisms....
Yumna smiles a little 'It is what makes you who you are, and I love that...but think on something for a moment...Just for a moment humor me...
Yumna gazes at Nixa 'Do you really think your father had only feelings of disapointment for you? Think of his position? While I do not agree with it, is position with your brother was guided by tradition, by standards set by the society you grew up in. If he had not put the a' ttention on your brother then your brother would be the one with these feelings..
Nixa nods her head, listening.
You say to Nixa 'I cannot believe that your father was intentionally being cruel to you. Should he have paid more attention, and shown more affection? Yes...'
You say to Nixa 'But perhaps given the limits that society placed on him, he was doing what he thought best for you. Maybe it does not seem that way from the outside, but in his own way that was affection.'
You ask Nixa 'Is that not even a possibility?'
Nixa scoffs, 'My brother was nothing but a stupid jar head.' Her voice just carries with it some anger, lashing out. It's not until she finishes with the vulgarity and derogatory term for 'fighters' that she pauses. She looks back, 'No offense, Joy. You are not a jar head.'.
Yumna frowns 'I'm not saying his actions were not without fault, but perhaps that if you look at them from a different angle...'.
You say to Nixa 'I'm not saying your brother even deserved the attention...but just that with everyone's position...it was what was expected.'
You say to Nixa 'My experience was nothing compared to yours, but I did have to grow up being the only girl, and constantly being told that little girls were to act this way, and not do this or that.'
Nixa frowns, 'But I was the better wizard. He could have seen that. He should have seen that.' She shakes her head, 'But no, he chastises me for listening to Gerdy's stories of adventure. He even took Gerdy away from me! He made her go away! He took away Gerdy! He did not care about me. I was just supposed to look pretty.'.
Yumna hugs Nixa tightly once more 'Yes you were Nixa...but please listen to me..please...'.
Nixa returns the hug, 'I am trying, Joy. I am."'.
You say to Nixa 'Think about how hard it is for you to break some rule of etiquette when I want you to just be silly...
Yumna leans back a little to gaze at Nixa 'Take that feeling, and multiply it times one thousand, and think of the pressure your father must have been under. Not only was he responsible for his business, but he was responsible for the appearance of his entire family. Trying to make sure that each ' of you could take your proper place. He just wanted the best things for you.
You say to Nixa 'His actions were misguided, but look at his intentions..'
You say to Nixa 'If he hadn't cared, he would not have taken any action at all.'
Nixa nods her head, trying to think about it, 'But those are rules of etiquette. I mean, everyone knows those. You do not break those rules. I mean, he... he still could have given me the birth rights.'
You say to Nixa 'There is a lot he could have done differently Nixa...but I just want you to consider the possibility that he did care. He cared and did what he thought was in the best interest for you and the entire family.'
Nixa frowns, but does not say anything further. Obviously, there is reason in what's being said. It's more like she is trying to find a flaw in the proposed argument. Desparately trying to find a flaw. 'He did not do it in my best interest.' Ok, that was weak. Even in her own conviction.
Yumna shakes her head a little at you 'Just really try to give that some consideration for me? I know that I was not there, and I did not see or feel everything that happened...but you also did not feel what he was going through.'
Yumna holds up one hand 'And I am not saying he did the right things....just maybe he did the wrong things for the right reasons?'
Nixa simply gives pause, taking all of this in. Deathly quiet is probably overused, but there is not a peep from her.
Yumna smiles gently 'It will not erase what was done, but maybe it will help your heart to heal, and help you let go of some of the hurt and hate...perhaps in a very very long time from now you could even talk to him. But not for a very long time.'
You say to Nixa 'It seems like all of the hurt...everything you have built up, all stems from this broken relationship with your family...maybe we just need to look and see what the real troubles were rather than what they were perceived to be. You are not a child anymore...you have life experience, it can give you a new perspective.'
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